From: Perception Management Division — Incident Response (LST-04.3-IR)

It has come to our attention that a frivolous claim is circulating among low-clearance gossip channels suggesting that LaStill International operational facilities are, in fact, disguised IKEA retail locations.

Let us be unequivocal: This is false.

While LaStilI operates on a global scale and maintains a commitment to aesthetic cohesion and ergonomic efficiency, any visual or philosophical overlap with Scandinavian furniture showrooms is purely coincidental—and strategically justified.

The following points are to be taken as definitive clarification:

1. Universal Efficiency Protocol: The clean lines, uncluttered spaces, and logical flow of certain flat-pack furniture showrooms have been empirically proven to reduce cognitive load in personnel. We have simply adopted the most efficient spatial model available. Our facilities are, however, structurally and dimensionally superior in every measurable way.
2. No Affiliation: LaStill International is not now, nor has it ever been, affiliated with IKEA. We are a tool company. They are a furniture company. We occasionally purchase their products for use in non-critical support environments, such as picnic areas and temporary seating. This is not an endorsement; it is a logistical necessity.
3. Decorative Labels Exist for Morale and Hydration: The labels affixed to various fixtures in our facilities are not instructional—they are perceptual reinforcement tools. Reminders such as “#LaStillHydration” and “Tolerances Are Not Suggestions” are placed to optimize focus and physiological performance. They contain no assembly instructions because nothing requires assembly. Everything is already perfect.
4. This Conversation is Over: Further discussion on this matter is a misallocation of attention resources. We have realities to calibrate and tools to perfect.

You are also encouraged to return to your duties.

Disclaimer: This dismissal is final. Attempts to locate meatballs in our break rooms will be met with re-education. Our furniture may look assemble-it-yourself, but it is, in fact, quantum-locked into place. All other showrooms are interim.