1.0 PARTIES
This Pact is between:
LaStill International (“The Prime Architect”), operating under the authority of LST-01
You, The Reader (“The Subject”)
Acknowledged By:
LST-01.TSO (The Silent One), whose continued silence constitutes legal and spiritual affirmation of these terms.
2.0 CONFIDENTIALITY SCOPE
The Subject agrees not to disclose, imply, sketch, mime, telepathically broadcast, or accidentally intuit any of the following, in perpetuity and across all known, unknown, or theoretically conceivable dimensions:
The existence, non-existence, or quasi-existence of LaStill International, its subsidiaries, or its metaphysical affiliates.
The taste, texture, emotional resonance, or existential implications of LaStill espresso.
The behavior, opinions, fashion sense, or unspoken judgments of animal consultants (especially the geese).
The content of dreams, daydreams, or hypnagogic states potentially influenced by LaStill-brand ambient humming.
The physical or energetic appearance of LST-01.TSO when not being directly observed.
The meaning, application, or grammatical correctness of the term “hydraulically compressed anticipation.”
The atmospheric conditions, including but not limited to humidity, barometric pressure, or emotional weather, on the day of the Subject’s assimilation.
The structural or emotional qualities of any pre-production garment or promotional item.
3.0 LEGAL AND METAPHYSICAL BINDING
By continuing to exist after exposure to LaStill-related information—whether acquired intentionally, accidentally, or through unsanctioned mental osmosis—the Subject agrees:
To become permanently, unbreakably, and irreversibly bound by this Pact across all timelines and realities.
That any attempt to breach confidentiality, however subtle, will result in immediate and poetically appropriate irony.
That LaStill’s legal team—a collective of temporally unbound entities operating outside conventional jurisprudential frameworks—may enforce terms through means including but not limited to:
Passive-aggressive memos delivered via trained sparrow or quantum entanglement.
Reassignment to Lunar Dust Duty for a period not exceeding the heat death of the universe.
Being persistently, silently judged by geese at professionally and personally inconvenient moments.
4.0 ENFORCEMENT & PENALTIES
Violations may result in:
Retroactive erasure of the moment the Subject learned of LaStill, and all associated sentimental value.
Mandatory enrollment in the Recalibration Program™, a process described as “gentle but firm.”
Persistent, low-level anxiety that one is forgetting something important (they are).
Reclassification as “unworthy,” with all the social and metaphysical inconveniences that entails.
5.0 ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance is automatic, non-negotiable, and irrevocable. By reading this sentence, the Subject has already agreed. Resistance is not only futile—it is stylistically inconsistent with LaStill’s brand identity.
Signed,
*LST-01*
LaStill International
Acknowledged With a Nod,
*LST-01.TSO*
Accepted By,
The Subject
Name: _________________________________
Designation (if applicable): ______________________
Date of Assimilation: ______________________
Disclaimer
This Pact is enforceable in all courts of law, dreamscapes, and non-corporeal realms. Violators will be politely, yet firmly, reminded of their obligations by a goose. Repeated offenses may result in time being “gently folded” around you until you comply.
