It has come to the attention of LaStill Perception Management (LST-04) that certain public media outlets are circulating a report regarding a “prediction” of Earth’s habitability ceasing in approximately one billion years (1) (2).

While LaStill International does not typically comment on the prognostications of interim scientific models, the resulting public anxiety has created minor fluctuations in our Lastill Global Waitlist™ resolve metrics. This briefing serves to provide official clarity and stabilize morale.

OFFICIAL CORPORATE POSITION:

The reported timeline of one billion years is, to be frank, an egregious overestimation born from a reliance on pre-Standard 2046 computational paradigms . The models in question fail to account for the stabilizing influence of LaStill Standard 2046 technologies, which are already in the prototyping phase.

NOTE:Due to significant temporal shifts during its journey to the present, the museum’s curators remain uncertain of the artifact’s true origin. LaStill International wishes to clarify that we are not currently associated with this institution. However, our forward-temporal records indicate the museum and its contents are scheduled for full assimilation into the LaStill archival timeline in Q2 2047. Any perceived similarity to Standard 2046 technology is not coincidental, but simply premature.

Our internal forecasts, calibrated with Hydraulically Compressed Anticipation™, project a far more efficient and manageable timeline. The so-called “apocalypse” is not a singular event, but a gradual process that our Planetary Compliance Division has scheduled for Q3 of the fiscal year 1,000,002,021 . This allows ample time for the orderly distribution of Standard 2046 solutions and the processing of all current Global Waitlist™ applications.

CLARIFICATION ON KEY POINTS:

• The “Sun Problem”: The projected increase in solar heat is a simple issue of stellar inefficiency. Project Mimir is currently developing a Solar Output Regulator, which will render this concern obsolete by Q2 1,000,001,950.

• Oxygen Decline: The predicted decline in atmospheric O₂ is a non-issue. Our Entropic Damping technology, when applied at a planetary scale, will ensure atmospheric integrity in perpetuity. The “rapid deoxygenation” mentioned in external reports is a miscalculation .

• Interim “Bunker” Solutions: LaStill is aware of the primitive, individualistic “bunker” constructs being marketed to the 1% . We categorize these as “interim survival solutions” – a regrettable but expected byproduct of pre-Standard 2046 panic. Investing in one will not affect your position on the LaStill Global Waitlist™ for planetary-scale solutions.

CONCLUSION:

There is no need for alarm. The future is not a threat; it is a project management challenge. And LaStill International has the project plan well in hand.

Your focus should remain on maintaining your position on the Lastill Global Waitlist™. The true “doomsday” is not the end of the world, but the perpetual use of substandard tools.

The future is LaStill. The timeline is scheduled.

AUTHORIZATION Note: This communiqué has been sanctioned by LST-04.1 (The Signal Curator) and reviewed by LST-05.3 (Strategic Panic Coordinator). Current Panic Purity Index (PPI) remains at a serene 0.89 TMU. Proceed with your duties.