Role Definition
LST-00.136 (C₈H₁₀N₄O₂ Caffeine Trace Analyst) maintains real-time analysis of C₈H₁₀N₄O₂ (caffeine) molecular presence across all LaStill facilities. This position exists because Standard 2046 compliance requires personnel to operate within specific neurochemical parameters. Tools achieve Theoretical Maximum Utility but humans require calibration.
The designation “Trace Analyst” is procedurally accurate. LST-00.136 detects caffeine concentrations in ambient air, monitors consumption patterns by department, and calculates precise supplementation schedules to prevent cognitive drift.
Primary Responsibilities
Molecular Detection:
LST-00.136 (C₈H₁₀N₄O₂ Caffeine Trace Analyst) operates portable spectrometry equipment capable of identifying caffeine presence at 0.003 mg/m³. Morning facility sweeps occur at 06:47 daily. Afternoon recalibration sweeps occur at 14:23. The timing is non-negotiable.
Consumption Pattern Analysis:
All personnel caffeine intake is logged by timestamp, volume, and preparation method (espresso, drip, cold brew, emergency IV administration). LST-00.136 maintains predictive models for each employee’s optimal alertness curve.
Threshold Intervention:
When personnel approach sub-optimal caffeine states (defined as <120mg active plasma concentration), LST-00.136 coordinates with LST-07.1.LMS to initiate delivery protocols. The coffee arrives before the person realizes they need it. This is intentional.
Crisis Management:
During Company Picnic Week, LST-00.136 operates under emergency protocols. Decaffeinated beverages are intercepted. Substitute compounds are deployed. Personnel must maintain baseline cognitive function even during mandatory enjoyment.
Operational Protocols
LST-00.136 (C₈H₁₀N₄O₂ Caffeine Trace Analyst) does not recommend caffeine consumption, LST-00.136 calculates inevitable consumption and ensures it occurs at maximum efficiency.
The position requires:
- Spectrometry certification (LST-CERT-SPEC-04)
- Molecular structure memorization (C₈H₁₀N₄O₂ tattoo on forearm required)
- Immunity to coffee aroma-induced cognitive biasNOT ASSIGNED YET
- Willingness to deliver espresso to LST-01.TSO without making eye contact
Known Incidents
2024-03-17: LST-00.136 detected anomalous caffeine signature in LST-05.2.IE’s office at 03:42. Investigation revealed unauthorized energy drink stockpile. LST-01.TSO was notified. The stockpile resolved itself.
2024-07-09: Facility-wide caffeine levels dropped below acceptable thresholds due to supply chain disruption. LST-00.136 implemented emergency chocolate protocol in coordination with LST-00.314 (Theobromine Resource Manager). Personnel reported “weird but effective” results.
2024-11-01: LST-00.136 calculated The Prime Architect’s optimal caffeine intake curve. The data was immediately classified. LST-00.136 no longer remembers performing this calculation.
Equipment Issued
- Portable Mass Spectrometer (LST-EQUIP-MS-2046.3)
- Handheld Chromatography Unit
- Emergency espresso administration kit
- Direct communication line to LST-07.1.LMS
- Backup communication line (The Silent One monitors this frequency)
Interdepartmental Coordination
LST-00.136 shares data with:
- LST-00.314 (Theobromine Resource Manager) – for chocolate-based backup protocols
- LST-09.4.RM (Recalibration Manager) – when caffeine alone proves insufficient
- LST-05.1.SP (Secret Hiding Place Manager) – does not discuss what was found in Cabinet 7
LST-00.136 does not share data with external entities. Caffeine consumption patterns are classified under LST-NDA-3.4 (Neurochemical Privacy Doctrine).
Performance Metrics
Success is measured in:
- Zero incidents of caffeine-deficiency-induced design errors
- Maintenance of facility-wide alertness coefficient >0.94
- Espresso delivery response time <180 seconds
- Number of times The Silent One nods approvingly (current count: 3)
Philosophical Note
Other companies have break rooms. LaStill has molecular monitoring. The difference is Standard 2046 compliance cannot coexist with suboptimal neurochemistry.
Tools fulfill intention. Humans require C₈H₁₀N₄O₂.NOT ASSIGNED YET
