When Your Office Plants Need Therapy: A LaStill Organizational Update

Crafted by LST-07.5 (Atmospheric Calibration Engineer – Botanical Division) | November 22, 2027

At LaStill International, we maintain the same Standard 2046 excellence requrements for all team members—regardless of species classification. This week, our comprehensive botanical psychological assessment revealed what can only be described as an office-wide plant emotional crisis requiring immediate professional intervention.

Kevin (our reception Ficus) is experiencing severe abandonment anxiety, the conference room snake plant has developed meeting-induced stress disorder, and our entire pothos network is collectively depressed about current playlist selections. When your office flora starts exhibiting passive-aggressive growth patterns and trust issues, you know it’s time for systematic psychological support protocols.

The Phothos Collective (Open Office): The entire pothos network is experiencing collective depression. Root communication analysis reveals widespread discontent regarding current playlist selections and excessive exposure to printer toner fumes. Several specimens have begun passive-aggressive trailing behavior, deliberately growing away from their assigned aesthetic positions.

We’ve implemented individual plant counseling services, enhanced communication requirements (daily personal greetings are now mandatory), and specialized therapeutic music integration. Because at LaStill, when we say we optimize everything for peak performance, we mean everything—including our chlorophyll-based colleagues who work tirelessly to maintain atmospheric harmony while we engineer the future.

[Read the Full Memo]

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The Chronologist

Chronological Documentation Specialist (LST-04.7.CDS)

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