1.0 Overview

Tier 0 Associates form the foundational human infrastructure of LaStill International. Their designations fall within the range LST-00.1 to LST-00.992699. While their tasks are often repetitive, obscure, or highly specialized, each associate contributes—knowingly or not—to the silent, flawless operation of the company.

All associates wear official LaStill-issued garments, with their designation printed in high-quality, non-removable paint. Specifications of these garments are classified.

Most Tier 0 roles are classified. This document discloses only those deemed necessary for public awareness.

2.0 Disclosed Role Allocations

• LST-00.817 — Social Signal Monitor
  Role: Monitors social channels and digital platforms for mentions of LaStill that meet predefined tonal and thematic criteria. Has no decision-making authority; may flag content for review by a goose or Envoy.
  Authority Level: Notification only.
• LST-00.136 — C₈H₁₀N₄O₂ (Caffeine) Trace Analyst
  Role: Tracks coffee consumption patterns across departments to predict morale fluctuations and potential operational bottlenecks.
  Authority Level: May recommend brew strength adjustments.
• LST-00.42 — Perceptual Neutrality Auditor
  Role: Ensures all outgoing documents, images, and internal memos conform to LaStill’s strict aesthetic of beige-toned ambiguity.
  Authority Level: Can demand revisions based on “existential discomfort.”
• LST-00.255 — Acoustic Harmony Technician
  Role: Monitors and adjusts the ambient hum throughout LaStill facilities to maintain its calming yet authoritative frequency.
  Authority Level: Can adjust hallway reverberation levels by up to 3 decibels.
• LST-00.71 — Lost & Found Curator
  Role: Manages misplaced items—both physical and metaphorical. Specializes in tools that may or may not exist yet.
  Authority Level: May hold items for 30 days before forwarding to the Sentimental Melter™.
• LST-00.919 — Waitlist Number Sanitizer
  Role: Reviews and “cleans” waitlist numbers that appear too round, too prime, or otherwise aesthetically displeasing.
  Authority Level: Can reassign numbers under #50,000 with approval from a goose.
• LST-00.6 — Draft Revision Coordinator
  Role: Ensures all documents contain at least one intentional typo or ambiguity to prevent automated parsing by rival firms.
  Authority Level: May add or remove Oxford commas at will.
• LST-00.314 — C₇H₈N₄O₂ (Theobromine) & Chocolate Resource Manager
  Role: Oversees the acquisition, storage, and distribution of chocolate-based morale assets.
  Authority Level: May authorize emergency dark chocolate disbursement during critical phases.
• LST-00.151 — C₂H₅OH (Ethanol) Solvent Logistics Controller
  Role: Manages industrial-grade ethanol for technical and cleaning applications.
  Authority Level: Custodian of high-purity solvent reserves.
• LST-00.152 — Beverage-Grade C₂H₅OH (Ethanol) Morale Allocation Steward
  Role: Oversees the secure and discretionary distribution of consumable alcohol for ceremonial and stress-mitigation purposes.
  Authority Level: Requires dual-authorization from an avian consultant for withdrawals.
• LST-00.728 — Fleet Mechanic Well-being Coordinator
  Role: Discreetly ensures the mental and physical welfare of the Fleet Mechanic (LST-02.1.FM). Duties may include ensuring espresso supply, mitigating existential frustration, and arranging unscheduled naps.
  Authority Level: Can mandate a 20-minute “hydraulic meditation break.”
• LST-00.426 — Principal Helper Quantification Associate
  Role: Leads a batch of 426 associates (LST-00.426.A thru LST-00.426.ZZ) responsible for tracking, verifying, and officially documenting the number of Helpers the Fleet Mechanic has recruited. Maintains the illusion that a limit exists.
  Authority Level: May submit a “Helper Census Report” directly to The Silent One.

2.0 Disclosed Role Allocations (Added Entry)

• LST-00.219 — Aphorism Author & Attribution Curator
  Role: Composes all official LaStill website quotes, slogans, and philosophical statements. Randomly assigns these statements to higher-tier representatives (Envoy and above) for use in memos, speeches, or social media, ensuring no single person appears too wise or approachable. Maintains the Vault of Appropriately Measured Statements™.
  Authority Level: May grant or revoke permission to use the phrase “hydraulically compressed anticipation” in external communications.

3.0 Classified Roles

The remaining 992,687 Tier 0 Associate roles are classified under LaStill Secrecy Pact LST-NDA-7.1. Their functions range from the mundane to the metaphysically inexplicable. This document may or may not be updated at a later time as The Prime Architect deems necessary.

Disclaimer

Role assignments are subject to change without notice. Tier 0 Associates may be reassigned, recalibrated, or quietly retired based on operational need or goose-related feedback. Applying for a specific Tier 0 role is not permitted—you are assigned based on silent, unseen compatibility metrics. The donkeys know. They always know.